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About Varied / Hobbyist Laurie35/Female/United States Recent Activity
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Literature
Not So Special
Twinkle twinkle little star,
all same specks when all so far.
Nothing special about your flame
Another pinpoint; just another name.
You're just another sun so bright,
Just not so close to light the sky.
We'll all burn out like used up matches,
tossed aside when the cigarette catches.
Another night just like day
used for the moon's display.
Watch his ego wax and wane.
Shown by the light that made you sane.
So Twinkle twinkle little star.
It's so much fun while you're art.
But when you die, and your light goes out,
You'll just be a black hole full of doubt.
:iconLadyElfie2000:LadyElfie2000
:iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 0 0
Literature
Only The Hopeless Love The Ocean
Never sleep with your back to the ocean
Never lay enfolded in its arms
Never let its roar fill your ears
Don't listen to seashells in all their charms
Stare it dead on when the tidal wave hits you
But remember your breath is too short to hold
And the sea can't hold onto air
Bubbles always escape its folds
You can dip your toes in you fool
You can go for a swim if you're brave
You can float in a tiny vessel no matter how big
The water can leave little to save
They say lightning will never strike twice
But the ocean just doesn't care
After it beats you with a second tsunami
It will take you and drag you off somewhere
Mortals weren't meant to bathe in the sea
We weren't given the gills
Yet we keep returning to it
Trying to get our fills
I'm a fool who swam in the ocean twice
It didn't matter which beach
I didn't learn the first time I drowned
I guess some of us are too stubborn to teach
And now I'm a tiny insignificant person
Lost in the ocean so wide
The hand that I thought would hold me
:iconLadyElfie2000:LadyElfie2000
:iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 1 0
Elfies Favorite Video Games And Video Game Series by LadyElfie2000 Elfies Favorite Video Games And Video Game Series :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 4 11 FuzzlePuzzle by LadyElfie2000 FuzzlePuzzle :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 3 0 Elfie Bust Shot by LadyElfie2000 Elfie Bust Shot :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 2 3 Cherry Dream by LadyElfie2000 Cherry Dream :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 2 2 NightSage Cutie Mark by LadyElfie2000 NightSage Cutie Mark :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 4 1 NightSage by LadyElfie2000 NightSage :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 2 3 Paladin Rave Light by LadyElfie2000 Paladin Rave Light :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 3 3 Paladin Light by LadyElfie2000 Paladin Light :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 2 2 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Cactus by LadyElfie2000 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Cactus :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 1 1 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Dutchess by LadyElfie2000 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Dutchess :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 6 5 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Princess StarNixie by LadyElfie2000 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Princess StarNixie :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 3 2 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Paladorable by LadyElfie2000 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Paladorable :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 2 1 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Sephiroth by LadyElfie2000 Hypothetical Forum Baby Pony Sephiroth :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 3 3 Fuzzle Puzzle And AntPie's Babies SURPRISE Twins by LadyElfie2000 Fuzzle Puzzle And AntPie's Babies SURPRISE Twins :iconladyelfie2000:LadyElfie2000 6 14

Random Favourites

Legend of Zelda:Daylight Thief by Dayu Legend of Zelda:Daylight Thief :icondayu:Dayu 953 132 Solemnly - Marauders Stamp by Nesspire Solemnly - Marauders Stamp :iconnesspire:Nesspire 2,333 116 Politically Incorrect Stamp by Mistress-Blood
Mature content
Politically Incorrect Stamp :iconmistress-blood:Mistress-Blood 225 110
Gabriel by GENZOMAN Gabriel :icongenzoman:GENZOMAN 10,146 576 Snowy Surprise by raizy Snowy Surprise :iconraizy:raizy 234 56 Kiss Hogwarts Goodbye by persephohi Kiss Hogwarts Goodbye :iconpersephohi:persephohi 308 127 ff8 - 10th anniversary by spoonybards ff8 - 10th anniversary :iconspoonybards:spoonybards 380 64 Swamp by SnowSkadi Swamp :iconsnowskadi:SnowSkadi 4,825 0 SakuraSky by yosinori SakuraSky :iconyosinori:yosinori 34,715 1,840 nya nya by KL-chan nya nya :iconkl-chan:KL-chan 4,284 176 Wolf And Guitar Commission by WildSpiritWolf Wolf And Guitar Commission :iconwildspiritwolf:WildSpiritWolf 2,802 283 Gatomon by Shivita Gatomon :iconshivita:Shivita 8,677 578 Goodbye summer... by Kyoko-Taide Goodbye summer... :iconkyoko-taide:Kyoko-Taide 2,270 176 Master and Servant by keelerleah Master and Servant :iconkeelerleah:keelerleah 3,517 187 Being On Guard by DolphyDolphiana Being On Guard :icondolphydolphiana:DolphyDolphiana 2,113 94 Celtic pony commission by customlpvalley Celtic pony commission :iconcustomlpvalley:customlpvalley 12 0

Activity


I have decided to treat my last few journals like writing prompts.  It was pushing me to write in a more interesting manner.  Tonight, I just kind of want to do a quick update on what's going on in my life.

So on July 16, 2016, Scott and I got married after we dated for five years, and were engaged for about at least a year of that.  For our honeymoon, we went to Cambria, visited hearst castle, and did a few things around there before heading down to Disneyland for two days.  The last day of our honeymoon, and the second day of Disneyland, I woke up in the hotel with vertigo.  We went back to my house for the last day or so of the honeymoon, and Scott went back up 3 hours north where he was living with my brother Johnathan, and his family.  I spent the next month off of work, and at my parent's house trying to get my things in order.  The following weekend, Scott came back down so we could use our other Disneyland ticket.  Unfortunately, my vertigo had not left by then, and I didn't go on any of the big roller coaster type rides.  Scott rode Space Mountain by himself while I rode the Submarine Ride.  At the end of the month, I moved up and joined Scott in living at my brother's place where we paid rent, and knew it was only temporary.  It ended up being almost a year, but by the July 2017, and our one year anniversary, we had were living in our own apartment, and have been doing that since.

At times I get terribly homesick.  I've come to realize that I'm proud of my LA roots.  I think I may have mentioned this in journal before.  I can't remember what I've written, so I may be completely repeating myself.  I don't want to move back.  I don't miss feeling like I'm constantly rushed, and stressed.  But I do miss having things to do.  And with all the natural disasters, and what feels like the beginning of the apocalypse going on around the world the past few months, I worry about my friends and family down south.  I like central California, but I don't know that this is where I want to put roots down, and raise a family.  As it is, Scott and I live with our two kitties, Copycat, and Scruffles.  I hadn't intended to get cats right away, but they just happened.  This area has a terrible homeless pet (and people actually) population.  So the two cats sort of just happened.  They were probably born around the time we were married, or at least Copycat was, and I suspect Scruffles is about a month younger.  I often feel like God meant for them to be our cats because they have really helped us through some tough spots.  We also live with my seven betta fish because I'm obsessed with betta fish now.

Three of my family pets passed away back at home since I've moved away.  And that was hard for me.  It's all that much weirder for me because I'm not at my parent's anymore where every day living has made it sink in that they are gone.  I expect them to be there when I show up, and they just aren't.  We lost Highlander who was part of the first litter of kittens I have ever raised back in my early twenties.  That litter of cats changed our life, and made my whole family a bunch of crazy cat people.  We learned so much from them, and losing any of them is just devastating.  And sadly, he was my dad's main cat.  Marbles, the youngest, whom I was hoping to eventually move up with me and be my cat has taken over that place, and I think that's the way it was meant to be.  I think it made it easier for my dad.  We lost Fluffy who was old when we got her.  She was a cat we tried not to get attached to, but she insisted.  She would not be ignored, and she would be loved.  She never let her blindness get in the way either.  While we didn't have her as long, I adore her feisty attitude, and I miss her as well.  And lastly, we lost Odin, who was at first my brother's dog.  But he kind of became ours as he got attached to Buttons first, and then Dandy when she came along.  And after that, it was Indy.  Nobody did anything wrong.  All three pets were old.  It was hard to lose them all at once.  And they are absolutely missed.

And now that I'm in my own apartment and not feeling like I'm under anybody's time table, but my own, and my husband's, I have found time for things I love again.  I am drawing more.  I started watching a bunch of anime series.  I've been playing video games.  Breath of The Wild is one of my most favorite Zelda games of all time.  I wish I could have more horses.  Slowly we're bringing up the rest of my posessions from my parent's house, and trying to make a geek cave out of our apartment.  We still need a couch badly.  Our living room at the moment is mostly storage, and most of our time is spent in the kitchen, or the bedroom playing video games or sleeping since I can be a nightowl on my current work schedule, and Scott works overnight.  We're tight on money, but we get by.  Our parents send us care packages regularly to help us with necessities.  I might breed bettas soon as I'm super invested in them.  And lastly, I've been thinking of writing again.

I have felt like exploring various stories.  Sometimes it's stuff I've never posted online.  Sometimes it's old stuff.  And right now, it's Gothic Furries stuff.  I have been reading some of my old writing to get used to the characters again.  I've found a few continuity flaws that I would change now.  And Zorian, being a natural horse whisper, would have a few things rewritten now that I've learned a few more things on horses, and some of my views have changed.  I no longer believe in using bits on horses, nor do I believe in shoeing horses, which some horse people think is nuts.  (There's more to that than I care to explain or delve into at the moment).  And I realized one of my stories, Zorian keeps horses in a stable, which, viewing horses the way I do now, and the way some natural horse people work with horses, he would NEVER do to a horse.  Upon rereading my stories, I don't think I would change too much plotwise.  I'm still fairly happy with that at the moment.  In fact there's things I forgot about which I was pleased I thought up when rereading it, and liking those ideas more than I probably did then.  I would streamline dialogue a bit more as my characters' conversations are a little hard to follow, but for the most part, I love their banter, and dialogue.

Mostly, I am again, impressed with just how much I enjoy reading my writing years after the fact, and forgetting that I'm the person who wrote that, and wondering why I haven't written a novel yet.  And I don't say that to sound conceded.  I'm genuinely pleased.  I suffer from bad self esteem.  And I think most people, if not all, are often their own worst critics.  I know I am harsh on myself.  It is nice to stop and actually feel GOOD about something I can do for a change.  It's a pleasure that I think all people should experience in their life.

I have been feeling displaced especially the last two or three years.  I am now 35, and not living the life I thought I would be at this time.  And that is both good and bad.  It's good because life probably shouldn't ever be what you expect of it.  But the sad part is, is I beat myself up for not being motivated enough, and feeling as though I'm wasting my time in a dead end job.  Mostly my work life is not what I want.  And I don't even know what I want from it anymore.  I still want to animate, and tell stories and do art.  I can do that on the side of whatever I'm doing even if I don't make a living at it as much as I would like to.  But honestly, that's what I thought I was going to be doing for a living, and now I don't know what I want to do for a career.  And I feel really lost there.  Worst of all, my self esteem suffers for it because in some ways I feel useless.  That's not good for job interviews.  And it's not good for emotional health.  So when I'm at home, feeling good, and confident about my hobbies, it's a nice change.  It's pleasant.  And encouraging.  It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so useless, and maybe I CAN do other things better than I realize.  Maybe I CAN walk into that job interview with my head held high knowing I can do the job I'm trying to get.  And maybe it's not really my fault when I don't get a job.  Maybe it's just somebody was better.  Not that I was bad.  Or maybe the job interviewer really is just dumb.  Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, and there's something better for me.  That's what I'm getting out of it.  So yeah.  Not, "oh look how awesome I am!"  It's nice to measure yourself against yourself, and feel good, and not worry about whether other people think you're good enough or not.

Well, that's what's going on.  Last night was halloween, and we didn't get a SINGLE trick or treater.  My brother told me people don't trick or treat at apartments.  I didn't think he was lying, but I thought I might get one or two.  It was nice to stay home though.  I have been dealing with paranoia at night because I don't sleep well by myself.  And I was worried about the apartment if I went out.  So it was nice to have a night in.  I made rainbow layered jello, and it is fantastic, and pretty to look at.  We couldn't afford much in the way of decorations, but we cut out bats, and black cats, and ravens, and all manner of halloween themed animals in black construction paper.  I'm hoping we can decorate a bit more for Christmas.  And with the holidays coming up, I hope they are full of excitement and fun.  I miss my family, and friends.  I'm looking forward to seeing them.  And I miss my stuff, and hoping to get the rest of it up here soon.

There's a little update on my life.  While I hate TL;DR crap, just for the heck of it, here is the TL;DR version: Still no horse.  There.  Are you little impatient millenial jerkfaces happy?  Lol!  Seriously though, I'm supposedly the oldest you can be and still be a millenial I guess.  They say people born in 1982 are the first year of millenials.  So I guess that's me.
  • Listening to: Quiet Apartment
  • Reading: WAS Reading The Silmarillion But Slacked Off
  • Watching: Disney Animated Marathon
  • Playing: Breath Of The Wild....again
  • Eating: Ham And Rainbow Jello
  • Drinking: I Need To Go To The Store For Milk
In the mid 90's, I found myself in Jr High.  I had survived the Northridge Earthquake.  I'd watched as girls my age mourned the death of Kurt Cobain.  The gymn teachers turned the television on for us to watch through the office windows to see the outcome of the OJ trial.  One morning, the Mexican flag was paraded through the school as the latinos protested a proposition concerning immigration by ditching class.  Nancy Kerrigan had been attacked by Tonya Harding.  And this crazy cool new thing came out called the internet.

Meanwhile, flannels were big.  And so was the grunge scene.  Lion King came out around that time.  So did Jurassic Park.  Sailor Moon was cool, but not at my school.  People were still calling it "JapAnimation" while a few of us knew it was Anime.  Instead of fidget spinners, we had clackers, and pogs.  I guess in retrospect, maybe I did know what was popular just because it was there, but I didn't care.  I never have.

My mom had cut me loose onto taking care of my own personal hygiene, and it was not going well.  I was trying to defy age.  I wanted to stay a kid while my peers all wanted to grow up.  I hated bras.  I felt like I was wearing a dog harness that suffocated me.  So I just didn't wear them until I realized I had boobs, and the boys in PE were staring when we ran by their half of the field.  My beautiful long hair was a mess because I just didn't know how to brush it yet.  For one of my birthdays, my brother's girlfriend had gotten me a cute outfit, and I was terrified of it.  I brushed off the dumb boys who would shout, "He likes you!" in the halls.  Heaven forbid someone find out I was on my period.  Thank goodness I have a cool dad who bought pads for me and my mom.  One by one, I was losing friends to sex, drugs, and alcohol.  I was not interested in those things.  They all were of varying degrees.  I was only just finding out that boys were attractive as something more than just friends.  But as shy, tomboyish, and aloof as I was, people probably thought I was a lesbian.  Socialization sucked for me outside of family.

On the other hand, I was excelling in other areas that were pretty cool.  My art had taken a huge leap.  I can't explain it, but it suddenly started coming easier, and was more like what I envisioned in my head.  I had discovered anime, which was not popular at the time.  Most of my peers thought cartoons were for kids.  Meanwhile I was watching the stuff dished out from Japan that was directed at girls my age, and Lina Inverse was my hero.  I've always liked fantasy, but it was in Jr High while reading Robert Asprin's Myth series that I realized that I didn't just like fantasy...I loved it, and always had.  And I craved so much more of it once I realized that I was a fantasy geek.  It's funny how you can always like something, but never realize that you are a fanatic of it.  I started table top gaming with my brothers and their friends.  I didn't have internet, but when I could get to it at a friend's or relative's house, I ate it up.  And I wished and wished and wished we would get it.  My cousin introduced me to furries.  Most people didn't know what those were at the time either.  I loved them because I couldn't draw people yet.  I loved animals, and in a weird way, furries eventually became my transition from animals to drawing humanoids.  I started playing clarinet in Jr High, and developed a love of music.  Final Fantasy 6 had also come out in America as FF3, and my love of Final Fantasy began.  And overall, self discovery was the greatest thing that happened to me in Jr High.  I got bullied more than I ever had before in Jr High, but at home I was well loved, taken care of, and I had my escapism in my newly realized passions.

I think it was the summer of 95, though it might have been 96.  I was either 12 or 13.  I made one of my biggest discoveries.  Tonight, I find myself reminiscing about my journey from that time, and realized that I don't think I have ever written about it, though I have told people about it.  Either that, or I have not written about it for quite some time.  Now that I had realized I was a fantasy fan, I wanted to read more of it.  And one of those summers I mentioned, I disappeared off the face of the earth as I tell most people.  My friends didn't know where I had gone for several weeks (I believe it was about 3 weeks, but I can't be too sure anymore), or at least what few friends I still socialized with.  As a child of the 80's with older siblings, I grew up watching the animated hobbit by Rankin Bass.  I loved it.  It's an acquired taste I realize, but that's ok, I had it.  My oldest brother had tried to get me to read The Hobbit, and Lord of The Rings for quite some time.  And I'm sure my dad had mentioned it a time or two.  So, that summer, when I had disappeared, I went to Middle Earth.  And I haven't been the same since.

Some people are Trekkies.  My whole family, with the exception of me are Trekkies.  Some people are Star Wars fans.  We all like Star Wars.  Only one of my brothers hasn't read the Harry Potter series, and he pretty much refuses to.  My mom and I both enjoyed Hunger Games.  However, ultimately, before all of that, I am a Lord of The Rings fan.  Some people call us Ringers.  I've never called myself that, though I'm just as fanatical about Middle Earth as anyone who does label themselves that.  When the crappy American Final Fantasy movie came out in the early 2000's, I didn't enjoy the movie because 1) it sucked, and 2) they had showed the trailer for The Fellowship of The Ring for the first time.  My dear friend Sam nearly lost her arm as I fangirled my joy by yanking on it like a mad crazed psycho girl.  I couldn't stop thinking about it all night, and I couldn't wait to see it.  The release date couldn't come soon enough for me.

One of the biggest things that came out of identifying myself as a Lord of The Rings fan in Jr High was I finally found a niche that was mine.  And well, I especially identified with a certain kind of people in Middle Earth.  Despite all my flaws on the outside of my body that will never live up to Elven standards, I strongly identified on the inside with Elves.  These were my people.  Legolas was my dream boyfriend.  And this was for multiple reasons.

Most people like elves because, well, they're just cool.  For many years, the DnD player who played the elf was stereotyped as a snob...with some truth behind it.  I had played DnD with those types.  Often they are someone who desires the best stats, and a God like character.  But for me, elves were much more personal, and I identified with them.  Many of my friends didn't know what Lord of The Rings was yet, and I did my best to explain.  They couldn't understand my sudden obsession with elves, though I did explain many times that they were not at all like Santa's elves.  And they were nice enough to humor me, and maybe come to an understanding when they found a song on Marcy's Playground album called The Cloaking Robe of Elvenkind.  I was the first person they thought of when they found it.  I like it WAY better than Sex and Candy.

First of all, let's talk about Elves' affinity with nature.  I have always been a nature lover, and particularly an animal lover.  As an introvert, I prefer hanging out with my cats and betta fish way more than most humans.  Elves could understand animals.  They rode horses without saddle or bridle, or if they did, they were light, and didn't hinder the horse.  I may not understand animals on the same mythical level as an elf, but I get them way better than most people.  And elves loved the stars, and the ocean, and trees, and plants...I love all those things.  So there was absolutely an immediate identification with that.

There's also the sobriety of elves.  This is how most people view them, and it was heavily shown in the movies.  I am a deep thinker, and enjoy philosophical thinking, and discussions.  Going back to my introverted nature, this fit me.  The poetry and music.  I love that stuff too.  I am an artist, and so were the elves who wanted to adorn the world with beauty.

And then there was the humor.  This was more in the books.  The elves liked a good tease, and witty banter.  For whatever reason, PJ, did not show these aspects so much in the movies, except a little bit with Legolas.  They teased the dwarves as they climbed into Rivendell in The Hobbit.  I loved the competition that Legolas had with Gimli.  And I had a chuckle when he had said that he would go fetch the sun.  I have always loved a little bit of mischief.  And so do elves.

Ultimately, I have always felt a little complicated, and contradictory in some ways.  When Frodo said not to go to elves for counsel, for they would say both yes and no, that felt it had fit me to a T.  What other creature could be so complex as to be young and old at the same time?  I had people tell me my whole life that I was an old soul.  And yet other people told me I was young at heart.  Elves could be so somber, and yet so playful.

I felt I had found my people.  I had a label for me.  I was an elf.

When you're in Jr High, and have few friends, and don't feel like you belong anywhere, and you are going through self discovery, it's kind of nice to finally find something you relate to.  And I have often gone back to Lord of The Rings throughout different periods of my life, and found that I could apply it to what was going on in my life.  For me, the books cover all the bases.  And elves covered me.  They got me.  I may be wrapped in a hobbit, or human looking package with all the flaws.  I can't shield surf.  I can't use a sword or bow.  I can't literally talk to animals, and am in fact still learning a lot about them despite them being one of my main passions.  I will never live as long as an elf.  And I've never taken the time to learn Sindarin or Quenya properly, though on occasion I give it a shot.  I'm still getting better at my crafts.  BUT, on the inside, in my heart, I'm pretty sure I have the soul of an Elf.  And that's why I like them.  That's why people call me Elfie.
  • Listening to: Noisy Computer Fan
  • Reading: Need To Get Back To Silmarillion
  • Watching: Disney Animated Marathon
  • Playing: Hoping To Play BOTW Again
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Not Sure Yet
Tonight, I lay in bed with a writing idea in my mind that I felt I have been motivated to write, only to find myself looking for something else to do.  I was so proud of writing a journal recently, and tackling photoshop for a joke that I thought I might finally be making some headway into finding creative time again.  And yet, I was so full of energy and excitement at the prospect of writing that, instead, I started to try to think of ways to relax, like picking up my phone and watching youtube.  It just seemed so much easier.  I realized, I am sedating myself.  Not with drugs or alcohol, but with distractions.  And I don't know why.

This lead to an internet search.  I couldn't find anything on why a creative person might want to sedate themselves.  You see, I wondered if other artists felt this way, and if it was something they did.  I felt like I was on the cusp of something.  The only thing I found was research explaining that creative people have the ability to grasp contradictory concepts, and make them work together.  It explained why I have always felt like a walking contradiction.  It also confirmed that I am in fact a creative person.  But I am absolutely stifling myself, and I don't know why.

I have never wanted to be normal.  Though for some reason I have felt that the world is trying to shove me into a box for quite some time now.  And I don't wonder if I am sedating myself for the sake of survival in a non creative world.  The problem is I get nothing done.  I desperately need to be job hunting and apartment hunting right now.  I don't intend to quit my current job necessarilly (even though I am dying on the inside to do so...I am sick of retail, and every time I have to sell a fish to an idiot who doesn't care if it lives or die, I feel like I a little piece of me is drowning in the plastic bag with the fish.)  However, I have got to make more money.  Or Scott and I will not make it on our own.  Yet, I sedate myself with distractions.  I am relaxed, calm, and not stressed, but I am also not doing what I really want to be doing.

Yesterday, I had an urgent thought.  I lay crying on the bed next to my husband, who was comforting me, after a rejected job interview and feeling as though, not only am I not working towards my dream career, not only am I not getting a new job that is not retail, but I might have to get a second crappy retail job, and wondering how I'm going to live with myself.  I need to draw.  I need to draw.  I need to draw.

Why?  Because not drawing is causing an ugly downward spiral for me.  I felt a direct correlation with my not drawing, and self confidence issues.  It was a weird thought.  One on the edge of all thoughts.  But I'll try to make it as clear as possible.  You see, it tries to slip from me right now.

When you draw regularly, you don't worry about how many bad drawings you are making.  It isn't about the bad drawings.  You are building the confidence as you see your drawings improve.  This, being frozen in time, and not wanting to do anything is holding me up.  I need to keep drawing until I get to the good drawings.  That one in a million.  If I can do that, I can do bad job interviews until I get that good one.  Weird but true.  And yet, I have this weird thought in my head that I cannot draw until my responsibilities are done.  I don't know how that thought got in there.  It never stopped me from drawing before.  I used to regularly put off my duties for art.  I got bad grades in school because I didn't want to pay attention.  I didn't want to do homework because I wanted to be outside imagining things, and creating.  So why now, that I try to sedate my art, am I still not doing anything I need to do?  I need to do art to make myself do other things.  It's weird, but it made sense.

My brain is lashing out.  The other night after an intense discussion with my oldest brother over living conditions that I will not delve into, but suffice it to say, he is my landlord right now, I had a weird dream.  A dream in which I was trying to keep a chihuahua sized pet shark in a ten gallon tank.  He barely had enough room to turn around in there.  I was stuck in a really weird situation where I was wondering why I had ever wanted a pet shark in the first place.  Why on earth did I get a pet shark?  And it was hard for me because when I get a pet, I love them, and feel extremely responsible for them.  So I was embarrassed at the state my shark was in knowing that it was not the ideal living conditions for a pet shark.  And I felt the best decision was to find my pet shark a new home.  I don't normally let pets go, and try to improve their lives if I feel I am failing as an owner.  But for whatever reason, I was embarrassed of getting in trouble, and losing my other pets over the state of this shark.  So I didn't want to show him to anybody, but I needed to to get him out of that situation, and let him go.  The resolution of the dream ended with me giving this shark away to somebody I felt would appreciate the shark much more than me, and take far superior care of it.  And then I had peace of mind letting the shark go to another person.  And I woke up half way with the distinct impression that my mind was trying to sort out an issue, but I couldn't quite translate what it was saying this time, though I knew what my brain was doing.  I can't help but still wonder what that shark has to do with anything.  But I felt very in tune to my mind.  And it has been desperately trying to tell me to create.

So back to tonight, I finally found peace of mind.  I may not be writing the piece I wanted to start writing, however, I did get myself to write a journal.  I felt that was a decent compromise.  I still don't know why I am sedating myself.  I don't know why I put my creativity in the back seat, and am ignoring it.  But I felt this was a good compromise.  I have been told recently that even baby steps bear fruit, and are better than sitting still.  Maybe that's what this is.  A baby step in the right direction.  I read that creative people don't keep normal schedules, and while I haven't been creating nearly enough, I am still keeping up with my insomniatic night owl behavior right now even though I am trying so hard to get to bed earlier.  And tonight, I am using it to write this journal.  Here's to hoping that while I didn't completely break the wall down, I am at least scaling it a bit.  At least I am chipping a crack in it.  I feel I might even be able to peek through and see the potential on the other side.
  • Listening to: Quiet
  • Reading: Need To Get Back To Silmarillion
  • Watching: Creative Sedatives
  • Playing: Breath Of The Wild/FF15
  • Eating: Jelly Beans
  • Drinking: I Think I Need Milk After Those Jelly Beans
A little over ten years ago, I sat in the passenger seat of my friend Ryan's car bawling my eyes out as we sat on the top of a hill somewhere in LA, in the evening after work.  I knew the end of a very happy but tumultuous era in my life was coming to an end, and I wasn't quite ready to let it go yet.  I was doing what I thought was the right thing at the time.  And it all started with a text message that I had been waiting for for hours, if not days.  But it wasn't a text message I was expecting, and it had, what I thought at the time, kind of ruined a part of my life.

For quite some time, I had resolved to work on myself until only time could heal the pain I was feeling.  But that was an uphill battle.  It is hard to try to be positive, and live in the moment, and work on self improvements when you lay down at night to embrace sleep, and hope to not ever wake up again.  I was dealing with the kind of hurt that was self crippling.  I was dealing with confusion, self doubt, anger, depression, hopelessness, self defeating, lost trust, purposelessness, betrayed, and all around every negative feeling you can imagine.  Mostly, I was heart broken.

About five years before all of that, I role played on line in the yahoo chatgroups.  I had recently switched to yahoo messenger because, netzero, was not going to be free internet anymore, and they were getting rid of their chatrooms.  Most everybody I chatted with there were going to yahoo.  I had always wanted to explore on line role playing since I was in my late teens, and internet was a new cool thing.  Sylvisia the woodelf maiden was essentially everything I wanted to be.  She even looked like a hot version of myself.  She could do all the cool stuff elves could do (the lord of the rings movies hadn't come out yet, so I had to explain to a lot of people who hadn't played DnD or read the books what an elf was), she was beautiful, with even longer hair, she could be as sassy as she wanted, she could flirt with whomever she wanted, and she had all the coolest pets an animal lover could ever ask for.  Sylvi was also a bad@$$ single rogue adventurer/expert treasure hunter who didn't need no man.  Que the barfight where she met Spirit of Ookami, a handsome swordsmen with dark skin, dark hair, blue eyes, with wolf ears, and a wolf tail.  The problem was, Sylvi wasn't the only one feeling chemistry with Ookami.  It was the first time in my life that I instantly felt comfortable enough with a person, that I started a tickle fight with them on a first encounter....it's just that Sylvi, and Ookami were the vehicles.  I tried not to think too much about it, but I was 18, the internet was new, and the idea of an internet romance was exciting.  I had a hard time meeting people in real life.  I felt safe behind the computer screen.  I like to think that Ookami's role player felt the same, but I don't know because I've never asked.  And that's the problem.  I never asked.  More on that later.

As Sylvi and Ookami's friendship grew, so did their adventures.  They did everything from going to outter space, time traveling to the 20/30's and dealing with mobsters, sailing with pirates, fighting ninjas, killing zombies, treasure hunting, fighting battles, exploring the inner mind, making friends, and even adopting a child.  We had developed a small cast of friends to role play with who each had a large variety of characters aside from their main characters.  The most prominent had been Dustin, their adopted son, Lone, who had developed a relationship with Sylvi like an obnoxious but wise little brother, who got into many scraps with Sylvi and Ookami (he was an extremely good friend and I miss him a lot!  I feel like I lost a little brother when I lost track of him), Goldmoon, an extremely loyal dragon friend of Sylvi, and we were sometimes joined by my friend Sam's character Solixia who played a best friend with Sylvi in character as well.  I think we all looked forward to putting on our characters faces, and meeting up in this imaginative world we had created to go on adventures every day.  It is safe to say that Sylvi, and Ookami eventually fell in love, got married, and had four little demi God children (because Ookami also turned out to be the spirit child of mother earth....or at least that's the best way I can explain it in a short sentence.).

The first time I had talked to Ookami's role player over the phone, he had bought a phone card, and called me from a payphone at school between college classes.  We didn't have cellphones yet.  They were a thing, but you had to have a job, and buy one first.  Your parents just didn't get you one.  Your parents might have just gotten their first cellphone if at all.  We talked for 3 hours.  And while it was a bit awkward, it wasn't so awkward to keep us from losing track of the time, and have a great conversation.  I don't remember all that was said, or what we talked about, just that there was a lot of laughing, and a lot of fun.  And I still felt there was chemistry.

Over the course of five years, I had fallen in love with Ookami's role player.  We had developed a great friendship out of character as well, but I felt I could only truly express myself to him in character.  But I was never sure how he felt about me.  I never asked.  I. NEVER. ASKED.  I also never told him for quite some time how I felt, and he often had girlfriends, or girls he was interested in over the course of our friendship.  And I tried very hard to be a supportive friend while hurting on the inside.  I tried really hard to do what I thought was the right thing when you love someone, and put my feelings aside, and support him.  This was all while he asked my opinion on it, and he read poetry to me, and told me his deepest feelings.  One girl that we had role played with whom, I had been jealous of them role playing together told me that he still confided in me more than he ever had with her.  And being jealous, creepy, stalkerish even, were things that I tried really really hard not to be.  I know that if you love someone, you need to let them be free to be who they are.  And I feel I did a really good job of that despite my feelings.  I had eventually told him between girls that I had feelings for him.  But I played it off like it was no big deal, and he accepted that lie, or at least acted like it.  And I couldn't tell how he felt about me...again, I never asked.  Maybe he wasn't even sure at the time, but that is just speculation.

Eventually, he had saved money, and vacation time to go see a girl he was dating in another state.  They had broken up, and now he had money, and time that he didn't know what to do with.  I invited him to come see me because I had been saving money to go on a roadtrip with my friend Sam...and hoping to meet him on the way.  To my delight, he agreed, and before I knew it, close to five years of role playing in a deep immersive world, many phone calls, and a long time online friendship was going to culminate in meeting in person.  I had lost weight by then, and felt more confident in my looks.  And now I would meet this person I was head over heels in love with in person.  I had seen pictures of him, and he had seen some of me, but despite this I was scared I wouldn't recognize him at the flyaway pick up.  I am terrible with faces (this has to do with both being an introvert who doesn't see faces as any more important than anything else, AND being shy, and not making eye contact with people).  I took my friend Sam with me because you should never be alone when meeting an online friend in person for the first time.  I still believe in that to this day.

I will never forget the first time I saw him, worried that I was making a mistake.  But when I was sure it was him, well, he was an ordinary person.  Ordinary, and beautiful.  It was a downright relief to know that he was an ordinary person, because I am an ordinary person.  I would not stand a chance with a God.  And that made him the most handsome gorgeous human in the world.  A real person.  And I felt nothing but love for this human.  I normally feel instant love for puppies, or kittens, or horses...this was for a human.  And it was one of the most wonderful weeks of my life.

We went to Disneyland, the beach, the mall, chinatown, saw Return of The King in the theatre (it was like my third time), I gave him half my friendship bracelets.  They got so mixed up by the end of the week, that I could smell his cologne on my half of the bracelets for quite some time.  And it was the first time I ever got to cuddle with somebody.  And I liked it.

Dropping him off at the airport was one of the hardest things I have ever done, not knowing when I would get to see him again.  And I hadn't had my first kiss, which I had desperately wanted to happen, but perhaps it was for the best.  I was kind of scared it would happen too.  I had had a dread over the years that it would never work out between us despite our perfect chemistry.  But I had never asked. I never asked.

It wasn't much later that while he was living in Florida that he moved in with a female room mate.  I also got my first tax paying job.  I wasn't just getting paid to babysit anymore.  I was still intensely in love, but didn't think he felt the same, and that was painful.  BUT I NEVER ASKED.

He had always cuddled girl friends.  He told me so.  He even slept in beds with other girls, and I was sure that it was literally just sleeping, but the world has a way of making you doubt that.  Heterosexual people don't just sleep in beds with people of the opposite sex.  Not in this reality.  Maybe in the fantasy online world.  I mean I suppose I can imagine the possibility because there's millions upon millions of different kinds of people in the world, but in reality, it just doesn't happen.  He was just friendly, and I was another friend he had cuddled with.  It didn't mean anything when he let me lean on his shoulder in the theatre.  And I certainly was not going to sleep in a bed with him because I was waiting til marriage.  I dropped him off at the hotel every night during his one week stay because anything else would be innapropriate.  Because this is a world where heterosexual people don't just sleep in beds with the opposite sex.

My job at the time was converting 2D movie clips into 3D.  It wasn't animation, but it was probably the next best thing I could do.  I was working with so many creative people, and making so many friends, and doing a job I loved.  And thank goodness I was, because it saved me.  I carpooled with Ryan who helped get me the job.  He knew how I felt about Ookami's role player.  I had gotten my first cellphone because I now made good money.  And Ookami's role player and I texted every day.  But there came a point where I didn't hear from him.  I was upset.  I didn't know if he was mad at me.  I was insecure because he was living with a girl, and I didn't know if, after the week in person a few months previous, I could deal with him going out with another girl.  I was tired of hurting.  I was tired of aching.  And I was tired of being pulled apart, and put back together again.  I was tired of getting my hopes up.  I was tired of being afraid to ask.  I tried texting him a lot to get a response.  I might have carried it a little too far.  I tried to make it sound playful, and not posessive.  I couldn't tell you what I said, but perhaps he knew that I was irked.  I finally got a response back that had shattered me completely as I rode in Ryan's car home from work, "I have been busy, and so and so is pregnant."  So and So being the girl he was a roomate with at the time.

Ryan can be an obnoxious person.  He has grown up a lot over the past ten years, and has even changed his name to Davie.  We have had our differences because he is like family, being a family friend.  I was one of the first few people he came out of the closet to.  That's how close we are.  Close enough to see past the fact I'm a christian, and he's gay.  Close enough to get on each other's nerves.  I will never forget the kindness and tenderness in which he comforted me that day.  The time he took out of his schedule to make sure I was ok, and not going to go jump off a bridge somewhere.  I died that day.  I knew I could never go back to roleplay Sylvi.  Ookami's role player needed to be a responsible dad now.  And I needed to step out of the picture.  He was not mine to keep.  I didn't ask questions.  I simply told him that I needed space, and time and didn't know how long it would take.  We stopped contact for the most part that day.  I would occasionally send him an email for his birthday, or he would send me one.  He tried to contact me once, but I wasn't ready to hear about his life.  I had tentatively occasionally stalked his facebook or myspace profiles to see how he was doing, but not more than I could handle.  I loathed the mother of his two children, unfairly, and I knew it.  I had feelings I didn't want to feel.  Resent, anger, hurt, frustration, and well, all the stuff I described earlier.  And I worked very hard not to entertain them.  I didn't want to be that person, and I worked very hard on not being that person.

I worked on me.  I took ballroom dancing classes, planned to travel, and saved the money for it before I got laid off from my awesome job.  The wonderful silly people at work who made me laugh every day helped keep me sane, and laid down a good foundation for a good work attitude for me that I still carry to this day.  I unfortunately put the weight back on that I had lost, and still struggle with that.  And right at that time, Scott stepped into my life.  He was interested in me as more than a friend, but I wasn't ready for that yet.  And he did the most patient loving thing I could ever ask for and decided that if I needed a friend, he would be the bestest friend I could ever ask for.  I eventually went back to school.

Ten years later, I am engaged to Scott, after I friendzoned him for five years, had dated for several years.  He knew about Ookami's role player, because I had to talk to somebody.  It didn't bother him.  Life is life.  It has its ups and downs.

I finally got a friend request on facebook from Ookami's role player.  Was I ready?  I think I was finally ready to talk again.  I made sure it was ok with Scott first because Scott comes first.  He is my chosen companion.  I have made it very clear that I still love Ookami's role player.  Those feelings have not gone away, and probably never will.  But I choose Scott, and I love him more, and I think as we build a life together, that love will continue to grow.  I think by this time also, I had understood love a lot more.

I had learned from my experiences before Scott, that you can be in love with more than one person.  I came to the understanding that love is like you do anything else in life.  If you choose to roller blade, there is a good chance, and you probably will fall down, and scrape your knees, and get hurt.  If you choose to work, you will sometimes lose a job.  If you love, you are going to get hurt.  I had also learned that I needed to open up communication more.  As Scott and I started to date, I was completely brutally honest because it's what I wanted.  I dated Scott because I wished that I had had a chance to date this other person I had been in love with, and felt I was never properly given that chance.  I gave Scott a chance.  While I had taken more risks than I had ever done before my first time falling in love, it hadn't been enough with Ookami's role player.  I had still held back so much.  I had never asked.

As Scott and I have dated, we often noted how much we got random compliments from strangers on what a cute couple we are, and that is an amazing feeling.  It made me want to become an ambassador of love.  This meant trying to set a good example of what love is.  I think more of us need to be ambassadors of love.  I wanted to show that yes, I worked hard for this, but it's worth it, and if you put the work in too, you can also have this.

When Ookami's role player had contacted me again, and I accepted that friendship request, I had decided I wanted closure.  Closure I had waited for, for a good ten years.  Closure that not everybody gets an opportunity in this life to recieve.  We had a good talk on the phone.  I made sure to explain that I was not there to break him up with his current girlfriend (they are now married a year later, and so am I to Scott).  But I needed to let him know that I was still deeply in love with him, and that would not go away.  It also meant that I needed to be careful in a friendship with him.  I have no intention of ruining my relationship with Scott, nor what he has going on with his wife.  And then I was finally able to get the courage to talk about what happened.  I probably should have asked more questions.  It turned out that he had not impregnated his roomate, and I had acted rashly.  To which I feel I must apologize for.  I had never asked him how he had felt.  And that was where I had failed as an ambassador of love.  I had not been true to my feelings, and didn't trust my friend when he said he had just slept in a bed with his roomate.  And even moreso, that might also still be a conclusion I came to from other things said, and misunderstood.  In my grief, and hurt, I had also never considered how my friend felt when I stepped out of his life, nor considered how much that had hurt him.  But if I was able to assume the worst of my friend, it was probably for the best that I had stepped out to have time to grow, and become a better person.  It was because I had never asked enough questions.  And that was probably because deep down inside where I didn't even know it dwelt, I was afraid.

A coward is not something I have ever considered myself to be.  But the older I get, the more I realize how subtle fear can be.  Because I am not a coward, it does not mean I am not foolish.  I am not really a bad@$$ elf who goes on adventures, sings beautifully, tames wild animals, finds lost treasures, and all those cool things that Sylvi was.  But I still want to be.  I'm afraid I have a long ways to go, and I still have a lot to learn.  Like parkour.  How can I be an awesome elf til I learn parkour?  Seriously though, I guess the moral of my story is that we need to ask more questions.  And we need to be brave and hear those things we don't want to hear.  If I hadn't tried to get that closure with my friend, I would have never found out that that one week he had came to visit me in person, he HAD considered giving me my first kiss.  He didn't think that anyone could feel for him the way I had at that time in his life, and that's why he didn't understood how I felt.  It's nice to know that even though I am not Sylvisia the woodelf maiden, that I am a perfectly beautiful ordinary person who is not a hideous, covetous, overly possessive, stalker troll.  It was nice to know that the chemistry had not been my imagination.

I must also thank my very patient husband who has made me feel that I am not an ugly shriveled up ring possessive hobbit under the misty mountains, and worth kissing, and worth allowing me that freedom to talk to an old friend I have had extremely deep feelings for.  And I want to do everything to keep that trust he has given me.  I am grateful to have had that opportunity to get that closure that very few people never get.  And I'm grateful for these two men who made that possible for me, and both taught me so much about, not only romantic love, but self love.  I am also grateful, though she doesn't know it, that Ookami's role player has found this beautiful and wonderful woman that takes good care of this man that I never dated.  She loves him more than I did, and he deserves that.  And I am looking forward to becoming friends.  It pleases me that he has married an awesome artist, and a woman that teaches him the patience that I never had the courage to teach him because I was too busy putting him on a pedestal, and not asking him questions.  And I am grateful, that I have a great friend, and husband, and future friend to ask a lifetime of questions when we're all ready for them.  People are ordinary and beautiful because of it.  Faults are beautiful, and build character.  I can't wait til I grow up and become a bad@$$ Woodelf.
  • Listening to: Lawnmower Outside
  • Reading: Need To Get Back To Silmarillion
  • Watching: Youtube
  • Playing: Breath Of The Wild/FF15
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Nothing
I have decided to treat my last few journals like writing prompts.  It was pushing me to write in a more interesting manner.  Tonight, I just kind of want to do a quick update on what's going on in my life.

So on July 16, 2016, Scott and I got married after we dated for five years, and were engaged for about at least a year of that.  For our honeymoon, we went to Cambria, visited hearst castle, and did a few things around there before heading down to Disneyland for two days.  The last day of our honeymoon, and the second day of Disneyland, I woke up in the hotel with vertigo.  We went back to my house for the last day or so of the honeymoon, and Scott went back up 3 hours north where he was living with my brother Johnathan, and his family.  I spent the next month off of work, and at my parent's house trying to get my things in order.  The following weekend, Scott came back down so we could use our other Disneyland ticket.  Unfortunately, my vertigo had not left by then, and I didn't go on any of the big roller coaster type rides.  Scott rode Space Mountain by himself while I rode the Submarine Ride.  At the end of the month, I moved up and joined Scott in living at my brother's place where we paid rent, and knew it was only temporary.  It ended up being almost a year, but by the July 2017, and our one year anniversary, we had were living in our own apartment, and have been doing that since.

At times I get terribly homesick.  I've come to realize that I'm proud of my LA roots.  I think I may have mentioned this in journal before.  I can't remember what I've written, so I may be completely repeating myself.  I don't want to move back.  I don't miss feeling like I'm constantly rushed, and stressed.  But I do miss having things to do.  And with all the natural disasters, and what feels like the beginning of the apocalypse going on around the world the past few months, I worry about my friends and family down south.  I like central California, but I don't know that this is where I want to put roots down, and raise a family.  As it is, Scott and I live with our two kitties, Copycat, and Scruffles.  I hadn't intended to get cats right away, but they just happened.  This area has a terrible homeless pet (and people actually) population.  So the two cats sort of just happened.  They were probably born around the time we were married, or at least Copycat was, and I suspect Scruffles is about a month younger.  I often feel like God meant for them to be our cats because they have really helped us through some tough spots.  We also live with my seven betta fish because I'm obsessed with betta fish now.

Three of my family pets passed away back at home since I've moved away.  And that was hard for me.  It's all that much weirder for me because I'm not at my parent's anymore where every day living has made it sink in that they are gone.  I expect them to be there when I show up, and they just aren't.  We lost Highlander who was part of the first litter of kittens I have ever raised back in my early twenties.  That litter of cats changed our life, and made my whole family a bunch of crazy cat people.  We learned so much from them, and losing any of them is just devastating.  And sadly, he was my dad's main cat.  Marbles, the youngest, whom I was hoping to eventually move up with me and be my cat has taken over that place, and I think that's the way it was meant to be.  I think it made it easier for my dad.  We lost Fluffy who was old when we got her.  She was a cat we tried not to get attached to, but she insisted.  She would not be ignored, and she would be loved.  She never let her blindness get in the way either.  While we didn't have her as long, I adore her feisty attitude, and I miss her as well.  And lastly, we lost Odin, who was at first my brother's dog.  But he kind of became ours as he got attached to Buttons first, and then Dandy when she came along.  And after that, it was Indy.  Nobody did anything wrong.  All three pets were old.  It was hard to lose them all at once.  And they are absolutely missed.

And now that I'm in my own apartment and not feeling like I'm under anybody's time table, but my own, and my husband's, I have found time for things I love again.  I am drawing more.  I started watching a bunch of anime series.  I've been playing video games.  Breath of The Wild is one of my most favorite Zelda games of all time.  I wish I could have more horses.  Slowly we're bringing up the rest of my posessions from my parent's house, and trying to make a geek cave out of our apartment.  We still need a couch badly.  Our living room at the moment is mostly storage, and most of our time is spent in the kitchen, or the bedroom playing video games or sleeping since I can be a nightowl on my current work schedule, and Scott works overnight.  We're tight on money, but we get by.  Our parents send us care packages regularly to help us with necessities.  I might breed bettas soon as I'm super invested in them.  And lastly, I've been thinking of writing again.

I have felt like exploring various stories.  Sometimes it's stuff I've never posted online.  Sometimes it's old stuff.  And right now, it's Gothic Furries stuff.  I have been reading some of my old writing to get used to the characters again.  I've found a few continuity flaws that I would change now.  And Zorian, being a natural horse whisper, would have a few things rewritten now that I've learned a few more things on horses, and some of my views have changed.  I no longer believe in using bits on horses, nor do I believe in shoeing horses, which some horse people think is nuts.  (There's more to that than I care to explain or delve into at the moment).  And I realized one of my stories, Zorian keeps horses in a stable, which, viewing horses the way I do now, and the way some natural horse people work with horses, he would NEVER do to a horse.  Upon rereading my stories, I don't think I would change too much plotwise.  I'm still fairly happy with that at the moment.  In fact there's things I forgot about which I was pleased I thought up when rereading it, and liking those ideas more than I probably did then.  I would streamline dialogue a bit more as my characters' conversations are a little hard to follow, but for the most part, I love their banter, and dialogue.

Mostly, I am again, impressed with just how much I enjoy reading my writing years after the fact, and forgetting that I'm the person who wrote that, and wondering why I haven't written a novel yet.  And I don't say that to sound conceded.  I'm genuinely pleased.  I suffer from bad self esteem.  And I think most people, if not all, are often their own worst critics.  I know I am harsh on myself.  It is nice to stop and actually feel GOOD about something I can do for a change.  It's a pleasure that I think all people should experience in their life.

I have been feeling displaced especially the last two or three years.  I am now 35, and not living the life I thought I would be at this time.  And that is both good and bad.  It's good because life probably shouldn't ever be what you expect of it.  But the sad part is, is I beat myself up for not being motivated enough, and feeling as though I'm wasting my time in a dead end job.  Mostly my work life is not what I want.  And I don't even know what I want from it anymore.  I still want to animate, and tell stories and do art.  I can do that on the side of whatever I'm doing even if I don't make a living at it as much as I would like to.  But honestly, that's what I thought I was going to be doing for a living, and now I don't know what I want to do for a career.  And I feel really lost there.  Worst of all, my self esteem suffers for it because in some ways I feel useless.  That's not good for job interviews.  And it's not good for emotional health.  So when I'm at home, feeling good, and confident about my hobbies, it's a nice change.  It's pleasant.  And encouraging.  It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so useless, and maybe I CAN do other things better than I realize.  Maybe I CAN walk into that job interview with my head held high knowing I can do the job I'm trying to get.  And maybe it's not really my fault when I don't get a job.  Maybe it's just somebody was better.  Not that I was bad.  Or maybe the job interviewer really is just dumb.  Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, and there's something better for me.  That's what I'm getting out of it.  So yeah.  Not, "oh look how awesome I am!"  It's nice to measure yourself against yourself, and feel good, and not worry about whether other people think you're good enough or not.

Well, that's what's going on.  Last night was halloween, and we didn't get a SINGLE trick or treater.  My brother told me people don't trick or treat at apartments.  I didn't think he was lying, but I thought I might get one or two.  It was nice to stay home though.  I have been dealing with paranoia at night because I don't sleep well by myself.  And I was worried about the apartment if I went out.  So it was nice to have a night in.  I made rainbow layered jello, and it is fantastic, and pretty to look at.  We couldn't afford much in the way of decorations, but we cut out bats, and black cats, and ravens, and all manner of halloween themed animals in black construction paper.  I'm hoping we can decorate a bit more for Christmas.  And with the holidays coming up, I hope they are full of excitement and fun.  I miss my family, and friends.  I'm looking forward to seeing them.  And I miss my stuff, and hoping to get the rest of it up here soon.

There's a little update on my life.  While I hate TL;DR crap, just for the heck of it, here is the TL;DR version: Still no horse.  There.  Are you little impatient millenial jerkfaces happy?  Lol!  Seriously though, I'm supposedly the oldest you can be and still be a millenial I guess.  They say people born in 1982 are the first year of millenials.  So I guess that's me.
  • Listening to: Quiet Apartment
  • Reading: WAS Reading The Silmarillion But Slacked Off
  • Watching: Disney Animated Marathon
  • Playing: Breath Of The Wild....again
  • Eating: Ham And Rainbow Jello
  • Drinking: I Need To Go To The Store For Milk

deviantID

LadyElfie2000
Laurie
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
I like shiney things...

Current Residence: City Of Angels
Favourite genre of music: Everything except most country & rap.
Favourite photographer: My Dad-Not the best or most professional, but he taught me everything I know
Favourite style of art: Mostly Animation but a litte bit of everything.
Operating System: Your Mom
MP3 player of choice: Whatever plays music, hell! I like music boxes with a crank to turn!
Shell of choice: the invisable one around me and my car that says get out of my personal space
Wallpaper of choice: None...I like the open sky
Skin of choice: uuuuhhhhhh....................
Favourite cartoon character: The ones I create, and then some, but these don't give me enough room grr!
Personal Quote: Just make your kids suck it up...
Interests

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:icontinyblissfulness:
TinyBlissfulness Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Hi there! It was so great to meet you at Equestria LA! Hope you are doing well and had fun at the rest of the convention!!
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:iconglowingstarartist:
GlowingStarArtist Featured By Owner Edited Jul 23, 2015
Thank you for favourite!
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:iconartoveli:
Artoveli Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey, thanks a lot for stopping by! :wave:
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:iconladyelfie2000:
LadyElfie2000 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Does my new signature work?
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Belldandychan Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014
Thank you for the fav.
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TheLinkMaster Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much for the fave!
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:iconmorningstar-1337:
Morningstar-1337 Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014   Digital Artist
:iconbutterfly1plz::iconbutterfly2plz::iconbutterfly3plz::iconbutterfly4plz::iconbutterfly5plz::iconmorningstar-1337:
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:iconookamisan:
ookamisan Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2013
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!
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Cari-Lyn Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013   Digital Artist
Thanks for the fav!
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xxStrawberry Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for the fave!
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