A Little Bit Of What's Going On

I have decided to treat my last few journals like writing prompts.  It was pushing me to write in a more interesting manner.  Tonight, I just kind of want to do a quick update on what's going on in my life.

So on July 16, 2016, Scott and I got married after we dated for five years, and were engaged for about at least a year of that.  For our honeymoon, we went to Cambria, visited hearst castle, and did a few things around there before heading down to Disneyland for two days.  The last day of our honeymoon, and the second day of Disneyland, I woke up in the hotel with vertigo.  We went back to my house for the last day or so of the honeymoon, and Scott went back up 3 hours north where he was living with my brother Johnathan, and his family.  I spent the next month off of work, and at my parent's house trying to get my things in order.  The following weekend, Scott came back down so we could use our other Disneyland ticket.  Unfortunately, my vertigo had not left by then, and I didn't go on any of the big roller coaster type rides.  Scott rode Space Mountain by himself while I rode the Submarine Ride.  At the end of the month, I moved up and joined Scott in living at my brother's place where we paid rent, and knew it was only temporary.  It ended up being almost a year, but by the July 2017, and our one year anniversary, we had were living in our own apartment, and have been doing that since.

At times I get terribly homesick.  I've come to realize that I'm proud of my LA roots.  I think I may have mentioned this in journal before.  I can't remember what I've written, so I may be completely repeating myself.  I don't want to move back.  I don't miss feeling like I'm constantly rushed, and stressed.  But I do miss having things to do.  And with all the natural disasters, and what feels like the beginning of the apocalypse going on around the world the past few months, I worry about my friends and family down south.  I like central California, but I don't know that this is where I want to put roots down, and raise a family.  As it is, Scott and I live with our two kitties, Copycat, and Scruffles.  I hadn't intended to get cats right away, but they just happened.  This area has a terrible homeless pet (and people actually) population.  So the two cats sort of just happened.  They were probably born around the time we were married, or at least Copycat was, and I suspect Scruffles is about a month younger.  I often feel like God meant for them to be our cats because they have really helped us through some tough spots.  We also live with my seven betta fish because I'm obsessed with betta fish now.

Three of my family pets passed away back at home since I've moved away.  And that was hard for me.  It's all that much weirder for me because I'm not at my parent's anymore where every day living has made it sink in that they are gone.  I expect them to be there when I show up, and they just aren't.  We lost Highlander who was part of the first litter of kittens I have ever raised back in my early twenties.  That litter of cats changed our life, and made my whole family a bunch of crazy cat people.  We learned so much from them, and losing any of them is just devastating.  And sadly, he was my dad's main cat.  Marbles, the youngest, whom I was hoping to eventually move up with me and be my cat has taken over that place, and I think that's the way it was meant to be.  I think it made it easier for my dad.  We lost Fluffy who was old when we got her.  She was a cat we tried not to get attached to, but she insisted.  She would not be ignored, and she would be loved.  She never let her blindness get in the way either.  While we didn't have her as long, I adore her feisty attitude, and I miss her as well.  And lastly, we lost Odin, who was at first my brother's dog.  But he kind of became ours as he got attached to Buttons first, and then Dandy when she came along.  And after that, it was Indy.  Nobody did anything wrong.  All three pets were old.  It was hard to lose them all at once.  And they are absolutely missed.

And now that I'm in my own apartment and not feeling like I'm under anybody's time table, but my own, and my husband's, I have found time for things I love again.  I am drawing more.  I started watching a bunch of anime series.  I've been playing video games.  Breath of The Wild is one of my most favorite Zelda games of all time.  I wish I could have more horses.  Slowly we're bringing up the rest of my posessions from my parent's house, and trying to make a geek cave out of our apartment.  We still need a couch badly.  Our living room at the moment is mostly storage, and most of our time is spent in the kitchen, or the bedroom playing video games or sleeping since I can be a nightowl on my current work schedule, and Scott works overnight.  We're tight on money, but we get by.  Our parents send us care packages regularly to help us with necessities.  I might breed bettas soon as I'm super invested in them.  And lastly, I've been thinking of writing again.

I have felt like exploring various stories.  Sometimes it's stuff I've never posted online.  Sometimes it's old stuff.  And right now, it's Gothic Furries stuff.  I have been reading some of my old writing to get used to the characters again.  I've found a few continuity flaws that I would change now.  And Zorian, being a natural horse whisper, would have a few things rewritten now that I've learned a few more things on horses, and some of my views have changed.  I no longer believe in using bits on horses, nor do I believe in shoeing horses, which some horse people think is nuts.  (There's more to that than I care to explain or delve into at the moment).  And I realized one of my stories, Zorian keeps horses in a stable, which, viewing horses the way I do now, and the way some natural horse people work with horses, he would NEVER do to a horse.  Upon rereading my stories, I don't think I would change too much plotwise.  I'm still fairly happy with that at the moment.  In fact there's things I forgot about which I was pleased I thought up when rereading it, and liking those ideas more than I probably did then.  I would streamline dialogue a bit more as my characters' conversations are a little hard to follow, but for the most part, I love their banter, and dialogue.

Mostly, I am again, impressed with just how much I enjoy reading my writing years after the fact, and forgetting that I'm the person who wrote that, and wondering why I haven't written a novel yet.  And I don't say that to sound conceded.  I'm genuinely pleased.  I suffer from bad self esteem.  And I think most people, if not all, are often their own worst critics.  I know I am harsh on myself.  It is nice to stop and actually feel GOOD about something I can do for a change.  It's a pleasure that I think all people should experience in their life.

I have been feeling displaced especially the last two or three years.  I am now 35, and not living the life I thought I would be at this time.  And that is both good and bad.  It's good because life probably shouldn't ever be what you expect of it.  But the sad part is, is I beat myself up for not being motivated enough, and feeling as though I'm wasting my time in a dead end job.  Mostly my work life is not what I want.  And I don't even know what I want from it anymore.  I still want to animate, and tell stories and do art.  I can do that on the side of whatever I'm doing even if I don't make a living at it as much as I would like to.  But honestly, that's what I thought I was going to be doing for a living, and now I don't know what I want to do for a career.  And I feel really lost there.  Worst of all, my self esteem suffers for it because in some ways I feel useless.  That's not good for job interviews.  And it's not good for emotional health.  So when I'm at home, feeling good, and confident about my hobbies, it's a nice change.  It's pleasant.  And encouraging.  It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so useless, and maybe I CAN do other things better than I realize.  Maybe I CAN walk into that job interview with my head held high knowing I can do the job I'm trying to get.  And maybe it's not really my fault when I don't get a job.  Maybe it's just somebody was better.  Not that I was bad.  Or maybe the job interviewer really is just dumb.  Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, and there's something better for me.  That's what I'm getting out of it.  So yeah.  Not, "oh look how awesome I am!"  It's nice to measure yourself against yourself, and feel good, and not worry about whether other people think you're good enough or not.

Well, that's what's going on.  Last night was halloween, and we didn't get a SINGLE trick or treater.  My brother told me people don't trick or treat at apartments.  I didn't think he was lying, but I thought I might get one or two.  It was nice to stay home though.  I have been dealing with paranoia at night because I don't sleep well by myself.  And I was worried about the apartment if I went out.  So it was nice to have a night in.  I made rainbow layered jello, and it is fantastic, and pretty to look at.  We couldn't afford much in the way of decorations, but we cut out bats, and black cats, and ravens, and all manner of halloween themed animals in black construction paper.  I'm hoping we can decorate a bit more for Christmas.  And with the holidays coming up, I hope they are full of excitement and fun.  I miss my family, and friends.  I'm looking forward to seeing them.  And I miss my stuff, and hoping to get the rest of it up here soon.

There's a little update on my life.  While I hate TL;DR crap, just for the heck of it, here is the TL;DR version: Still no horse.  There.  Are you little impatient millenial jerkfaces happy?  Lol!  Seriously though, I'm supposedly the oldest you can be and still be a millenial I guess.  They say people born in 1982 are the first year of millenials.  So I guess that's me.